i found some quotes by Yogi Bera:

"90% of the game is half mental."
"when you come to a fork in the road, take it."
"i wish i had an answer to that 'cause i'm tired of answering that question."
"a nickel ain't worth a dime."
"it's not too far, it just seems like it is."
"it gets late early out here."
"we made too many wrong mistakes."
"nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded."
"pair up in threes."
"it ain't over till it's over."
"you can observe a lot by watching."
"i'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
"the future ain't what it used to be."
"the other teams could make trouble for us if they win."
"never answer an anonymous letter."
"if people don't want to come to the ballpark, how are you gonna stop them?"
"it's deja vu all over again."
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that cowboy joke jogged my memory about this one:

The old cowboy was out riding the range one day. He was checking the fence near the road when he came upon a curious scene. A beautiful blonde woman was completely naked and staked out, spread-eagled, on the ground. As she noticed him approaching, she cried out, "Thank God somebody found me! My husband and I pulled over to help what we thought must be 3 stranded motorists, but they turned out to be very bad characters. They beat my husband into unconsciousness, then stripped me naked, tied me here, and took turns raping me. When they got tired of that, they loaded my still unconscious husband into the trunk, sped off in our car, and left me here to die! Thank God you found me before I died of thirst or was eaten by a coyote, or God knows what."

As the old cowboy swung out of the saddle and walked over to where she lay, he started unbuckling his belt, and said "Lady, this just ain't your lucky day."
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consume

ahhhh human nature.
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HOW TO TAKE A DUMP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As
much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left
your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANAOMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with
an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees
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Simple but funny:

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened
to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the Vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away." The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100% certifiably ...dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only
have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....... What did
you expect??"

Brules
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K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

Marriage Jokes

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Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."

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"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another." The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc." said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

A man walks into a diner to get a bite to eat.

As he steps up to the counter he asks the waitress, "Can I get a hot bowl of chili please?"

"I'm sorry sir, but the man next to you there got the last bowl." she replies.

Sure enough the man next to him has eaten all of his food on his plate, but still has the bowl of chili on the counter. Since he appeared to be finished eating the hungry man asked him, "If you're not going to eat that chili, do you mind if I have it?"

"Don't mind at all. Help yourself" the other replies.

So he gets done eating about half of the bowl of chili, when he finds something toward the bottom of the bowl. He looks closer, and finds that it is a dead mouse. He immediately pukes whatever chili he's eaten back into the bowl, at which point the stranger chimes in,

"That's about as far as I got too..."
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|V|?8|??
???????

AWESOME!!! lol!
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www.thefifthcolumn.net ... watch your back!

http://www.bobfromaccounting.com/2_11_02/handicappedolympicarticle.html
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I Bet You Wish You Could!

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the 2003 winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
6. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis : Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect : The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) : The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.) : The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole
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A man took his wife to the Rodeo & one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said,
"He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further & saw another pen with a sign that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife hit her husband and said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife got really excited & said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband finally looked at her & said, "Go up and ask him if it
was with the same cow."

Unusual Signs

Spotted in a toilet of an office:
 
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
 

In a Laundromat:
 
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
 

In a department store:
 
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
 

In an office:
 
WILL THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEPLADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN
 

In an office lunchroom:
 
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
 

Outside a secondhand shop:
 
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
 

Notice in health food shop window:
 
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
 

Spotted in a safari park:
 
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
 

Seen during a conference:
 
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
 

Notice in a field:
 
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE,  BUT THE BULL CHARGES
 

Message on a leaflet:
 
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
 

On a repair shop door:
 
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR; THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whiskey, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles, treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines! And this is sent to you by an Armenian, using Bill Gates' technology, and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones, that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by lorries driven by Indians, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, trucked by Mexican illegals, and finally sold to you by Jews. That, my friend, is Globalization!
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went o
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
additional children were costing the church..

Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an
act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation.

In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
said: "snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we
wear rubbers!"

Why are hurricanes named after women?

Because they start off all hot and wet, but then they leave you and take your house.
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Thats the Biz sweetheart.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.

The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away.

"Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the
back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car...
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A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"
The farmer said, "I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got 40 acres."

The lawyer said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere."

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"
The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce."
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A man and his 7 year old daughter are driving down the road.
In the car in front of them, a couple is having a very heated argument.
In the middle of the argument the woman becomes enraged, cuts the man's
penis off and throws it out the window, hitting the windshield of the man and
daughter behind them. The young daughter looks to her father and asks him,
"Daddy, what was that?" The man not wanting to subject his daughter to such horrors at a young age quickly replies, "Oh, that was just one of them flying cockroaches." The daughter looks back at her father......"Did you see the size of the dick on that thing?"
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I had a friend once, he took some acid, now he thinks he's a fire engine. It's ok until he pisses on your lighter.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
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Thats the Biz sweetheart.

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day. The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. Saint Peter at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This pissed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

Saint Peter sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, Saint Peter announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. Saint Peter said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

Saint Peter is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. Saint Peter says," Please tell me how you died." The third man says, "Ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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Thats the Biz sweetheart.