A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you.... you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

the differences between PRISON and WORK.

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK.........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON.........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK...........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON ........you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they're called managers.

IN PRISON.....you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
_________________
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. Can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. Package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
Drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
The cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
Stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this
Proclamation, but she was
Intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
Unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her
Marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
You know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
That?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

Bubba and Billy Bob were out hunting & find a hole in the woods that's
about three feet across, but it's so deep that when they drop a rock, they
hear no sound.
So they drop a bigger rock, but they still hear nothing.

So they go looking for something larger, and they find a railroad tie,
haul it over to the hole, and heave it in. It also disappears without a
sound.

Suddenly a goat comes running up at about sixty miles an hour and dives
headfirst into the hole. And there's still no sound. Nothing.

Suddenly a farmer appears from the woods and says, "HEY! You fellas seen
my goat around here?"

And Bubba says, "Well, there was a goat just ran by here real fast and
dove into this hole here."

"Naw," says the farmer, "that couldn't be my goat. My goat was tied up
to a railroad tie."
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

What does AIDS stand for?
Anally Injected Death Sentence

How do you know if you're at a gay picnic?
The hot dogs taste like shit!

Four gays are sitting in a hot tub. They notice some sperm rising to the surface. One gay says, "Ok, who farted?"

What do you call a gay guy in a wheelchair?
Rolaids

What did one gay sperm say to the other?
How are we ever gonna find an egg in all this shit?

What's the most common pickup line in a gay bar?
May I push your stool in?

Why do black people have white hands?
They were up against the wall when God spray painted them!

What do you call a Mexican getting baptised?
Bean dip!

When is the only time you can spit in a Persian womans face?
When her mustache is on fire!

Why aren't there any Wal*Marts in Afghanistan?
Because there's a Target on every corner!

Failed Afghan recruitment slogans:
Be Allah you can be!
Martyrs have more fun!
Free camouflage turbans! Sign up today!
Uncle oSAMa wants you!

What do you call a guy with his hand up a camels ass?
An Afghani mechanic!

The Commandments

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?

We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal?

We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?

We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,

"How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a
snowy, cold Monday morning;

it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally
demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in mysterious ways. After they crawl out of
their cars, the woman says,

"So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at

our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This
must be a sign from God that we should meet and

be friends and live together in peace for the rest of
our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but

this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us
to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his
head in agreement, opens it and drinks

half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately

puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police."



MORAL OF THE STORY:

Women are clever, evil people.

Don't mess with them.
_________________
More RAM than Dodge!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and he says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the
street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again,
the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde
says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath,
the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather,
and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the
trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and after she lowers it, he
says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Ohio and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.









Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few
minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates
through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate
why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the
customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says "You
idiot! ......You're sitting on the mop!"
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR.

After his talk he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and the President asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have four questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess.

George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?" asks Bush.

"Actually, I have six questions:

"First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when half of all Americans don't have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"
_________________
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Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House. She has waited so long......

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...

Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
_________________
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And you know, the majority of Americans would not get that joke...
_________________
I am ZondorTheCondor!

Who is this Lincoln character?
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Isnt that the group that sings that song "In the end"? Lincoln Park?
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

A woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,
his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,"Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. "Is thisyour ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax.
"Is this your ax?"the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is thisyour wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes!" cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones.
Then if I also said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

THAT'S OUR STORY AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT......
_________________
More RAM than Dodge!

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States


He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says.....


Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps FREE medical care and free education!"


The passerby says....


"You are mistaken, I am Mexican".


The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.


"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"


The person says....


"I no American, I Vietnamese."


The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says.....


"Thank you for the wonderful America !"


That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East , I am not an American!"


He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"


She says, "No, I am from Russia !"


Puzzled he asks her......


"Where are all the Americans?"


The Russian lady checks her watch and says....


"Probably at work!"
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

So Bob forgets to buy his wife a birthday present.

When Bob gets home his wife tells him there better be something in the driveway the next morning that goes 0 to 200 in 60 seconds.

When Bob's wife wakes up the following morning she hurries out to the driveway only to find a box gift wrapped. When Bob's wife opens the box she discovers a bathroom scale.

Nobody has heard from Bob since.

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma! 's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.

His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says..

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"
_________________
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Apples NEW Invention!!!

Apple Computers - New Product Announcement


Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBreast will cost $599 and at 90GB will have capacity to store, organize & play 22,500 songs.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.