A farmer in Australia buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means, but did not want to display his ignorance.

He asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the Sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn".
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The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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The Biker & the Old Lady

A biker stops by the local Motorcycle Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and
would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware
store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed
store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem:
how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old
lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to
get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616
Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this
lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry
the
goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way, he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this
alley we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a
lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when
we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my
skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil,
two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold
you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Thats yucky.
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K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

LOL!
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness', but it doesn't work.

You know how to turn a woman into a pirate?

You bust a nut in her eye, and kick her in the chin.

She will the proceed to hop around on one leg with one eye closed and shout, "ARGGGHHH ARGGGHHH!"
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Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Even better if you kick her in the shin

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)
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The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom
loved to play
together.One day, the two were playing when the horse
fell into a bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse
whinnied for the
chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, hesearched
and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town
with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken
spied
the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys
inside, the chicken
sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had
time to save his
friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy,
to see the
chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get
a hold of the
loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying
the other end to
the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then
drove slowly
forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued
the horse.
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the
farmhouse,
and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented:
best
buddies,best pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit,
and soon. he
too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save
his life. The
horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
"thing" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good
grip, and the
horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

> > > > The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to
pick up
chicks.
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"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

hmmm

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


























* Get your drunk a** off the merry-go-round. *
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"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Norwegian sitting beneath a tree.



"Is there some place ahead where we can get food?"

"Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, n bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."


The leader goes back and tells his people what the Norwegian said. "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked. Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Norwegian people - they lie just for a joke."


So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side.


Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old Norwegian. Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."


The old Norwegian man holds up his hand and says, "Vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Norwegian dictionary and begins thumbing through it."Oof-DA, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree,


(Are you ready?)



















"It vuz a ham bush."
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

wanna know why pluto is the dirtiest planet?


cuz it circles around uranus.


(sorry, my coworker just told me this b/c we were discussing pluto's planetary demotion)
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Thought yall might get a laugh or two outta this.

Hell Explained

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Massachusetts at Lowell, engineering dept.'s chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and the pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.


2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?



If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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More RAM than Dodge!

an oldie but a goodie.
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So anyways I go to a fast food place that i normally go to because its near my neighborhood. Anyways I go through the drive-thru like i always do and i get my usual combo. So most the people there know i dont want any sauce so they dont bother asking. Although some are like "no sauce right". Anyways I pay and i pull up to window and this fat whore looks at me says "no" and starts bitching about that i come there to much, order the same thing everytime, and im ruining her life. BTW im a good customer i make orders quick and precise and i dont complain and i dont talk to them. So anyways, while she is ranting im just glaring at her and starting to get pissed off. I mean the veins were starting to pop out on my arms and probably my face. I didnt say a single word but she suddenly acted pissed off and walked. I was so close to killing her. If wasnt worried about getting stuff on my record because i want to become a doctor i probably would have broken her arm right there. So she comes back to give me my food i almost decided to grab her wrist and hit the gas while holding on. Anyways, after she gives me my food she says "you're the reason im quitting". And i thought better of it. because at the point even though my veins were rising and i looked calm enough on the outside i was inches away from marching in there hopping over the counter and stabbing her in the face. My blood is still boiling with hate. Im also paranoid that she is fucking with my food and thats the only reason i didnt curse her out. however im leaving for college soon. so im going to wait till the end of july and then when i see her again im taking the food and throwing in her face after i cuss her out. What would you guys have done in that situation?

/ban LC

The sign reads: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified: 1. Take a shower. 2. Splash on some nice perfume. 3. Slip into a very sexy nightie. 4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The lady welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.... I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and ... "

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! BY GOLLY!! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
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