A mexican drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. he says "In Mexico our glasses so cheap we dont need to drink from the same glass twice"

An iraqi, obviously impressed, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In Iraq, we have to much sand to make glasses that we dont need to drink out of the same glass twice either"

A tennessee boy, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi, and catches the glass. He says, "In america we have so many illegal mexicans and arabs that we dont have to drink with the same ones twice"

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a
huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40,and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds
before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
___________________________________________________________
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me, If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
___________________________________________________________

Republican's Answer:
BANG!
___________________________________________________________

Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver
Tips or Hollow Points?
Son: Git-r-Dun Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that one to the Taxidermist!
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

GOT TO LOVE ARKANSAS
A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his
beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and the
clerk replies, "Go ahead."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas
to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been
called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the
driver, "Got any I.D.?"
and the driver replies "Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
(Come on-this is funny!)

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down!
Yep. Purt' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a
total loss too. Both books-poof! up in flames and he hadn't even
finished coloring one of 'em.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas. When a couple gets
divorced, they are STILL cousins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender
looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?

"No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania".
The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in
Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is
a tax-e-derm-ist?

"The man says,"I mount animals".
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay
boys, he's one of us!"

Engrish menu

http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php
_________________
_______
|V|?8|??
???????

With the severe storm season fast approaching, I thought this was pretty damn funny:

Gary England Drinking Game*

Pregame
1. Everyone selects a storm chaser other than Val Caster. Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser. Take four drinks if your storm chaser says "tornado on the ground."

2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County. Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county. Take four drinks if a tornado touches down in your county.

One drink
1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
"Hook echo" | "Updraft" | "Metro" | "Doppler radar" | "Wall cloud" | "Ranger 9" | "Underground" | "Mobile home"

2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list.

3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program. Take one drink if Gary says "You're not missing any of [program name]." Take one drink when Gary says "We'll keep you advised."

Two drinks
1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
"Baseball-sized hail" | "Waterloo Road" | "Pottawatomie County" | "Deer Creek High School"

2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici | Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah

3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Caster.

Three drinks
1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Caster.


2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.

3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
"Immediate tornado precautions" | "National Weather Service" | "Mesocyclone" | "Portable Radio" | "Take shelter" | "Tornado warning in effect until ..."

Four drinks
1. Take four drinks if Ranger 9 must land to refuel.

2. Take four drinks if Gary issues his own tornado warning, not recognized by the NWS or says the following:
"Will someone please answer that phone?" | "Do you see power flashes?"

3. Take four drinks if a shirt-less tornado victim is interviewed.

Finish your drink
1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word tornado as a verb or if Gary mentions the nearest cross streets to you.

2. If Gary says "We've lost Val," pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink.

It's time to see how clearly you can think" the teacher said to the class. " Now, listen carefully,and think about what I'm saying. I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have, but this person is not my brother or my sister. Who is it?" The kids in the class furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise showed how hard they were thinking, but no one came up with the right answer. When everyone in the class had given up, the teacher announced, " The person is me." Little Jeffrey beamed at learning the answer. "That's a good one," he said to himself "I'll have to try that on Mom and Dad." At dinner that night, little Jeffrey repeated the riddle to his parents "I'm thinking of a person who has the same mother and father as I have," he said. "but this person isn't my brother or sister. Who is it?" His parents furrowed their brows, scratched their heads, and otherwise pretended that they were thinking hard. Then they both said "I give up. Who is it?"

"It's my teacher!" Jeffrey exclaimed.



Leroy went to his mother demanding a new bicyle. His mother decided that he should take a look at himself and the way he had been acting. "Well Leroy, it isn't Christmas and we don't have the money to just go out and buy you anything you want. So why don't you write a letter to Jesus and pray for one instead." After his temper tantrum his mother sent him to his room. He finally sat down to write a letter to Jesus. "Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your Friend, Leroy" Now, Leroy realized that Jesus really knew what kind of boy he was (brat), so he ripped up the letter and decided to give it another try. "Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours Truly Leroy." Well Leroy knew this wasn't totally honest, so he tore it up and tried again. "Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle, Leroy" Well, Leroy looked deep down in his heart, which by the way is what is mother really wanted. He knew he had been terrible and was deserving of almost nothing. He crumpled up the letter, threw it in the trash can and went running outside. He aimlessly wandered about depressed because of the way he treated his parents and really considering his actions. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. Leroy went inside and knelt down, looking around not knowing what he should really do. Leroy finally got up and began to walk out the door, and was looking at all the statues. All of a sudden he grabbed a small one and ran out the door. He went home, hid it under his bed and wrote a new letter.
"Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again, give me a bike! Sincerely, You Know Who"
_________________
_______
|V|?8|??
???????

Brules wrote: With the severe storm season fast approaching, I thought this was pretty damn funny:

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day, the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. Headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.
_________________
site5 hosting • facebook • flickr

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.
_________________
K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

This joke is just for Stealth:


An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a
cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability!"

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, "I have a question that has bothered me all of my days on earth. Am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?"

St. Peter said, "That is a question that only God can answer." So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, please, I must know, am I a white horse with black stripes, or a black horse with white stripes?" God simply replied, "You are what you are."

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more. St. Peter asked, "Well, did God straighten out your question for you?" The zebra looked puzzled. "Well, no sir - not exactly. God simply said, '...you are what you are.'"

St.Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, that answers it - you are a white horse with black stripes."

The zebra asked St. Peter, "How do you know that?"

"Because," said St. Peter, "If you were a black horse with white stripes, God would have said, `You is what you is'."

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site.The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?

The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

meh, that was funny back in 1989 in Wierd Al's "UHF"...

heh
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that
Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a
real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million
Muslims and one blonde with big boobs."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big boobs? Why
killa blonde with big boobs?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

dR.Jester wrote: ...
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you
no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".

Knock Knock.

Who's There?

Eclipse.

Eclipse Who?

Eclipse hair so well he opened a barbershop.
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

you are the gayest person i know.
_________________
site5 hosting • facebook • flickr

You know your a drunk when:

FEMA declared you a national disaster.

You’re not sure when Mary Ann snuck out your apartment last night, but you figure it was about the same time Mrs. Howell snuck in.

You resolve to call your local councilman and complain about the city’s ill-advised policy of putting lampposts in the middle of the road.

Uncontrollable vomiting, falling out of a tree and a heavily overdrawn bank account may very well be elements of “the most awesome weekend.”

You call an ex-friend at 3am to ask what he meant by that remark last July.

You receive divorce papers from your liver and it wants full custody of the kidneys.

You were genuinely excited about Cingular’s “More bars in more places” promise until you found out they were talking about cell phones.

You don’t have to imagine what a spilled gin and tonic sucked from a shag rug tastes like.

You stub out your glass in the ashtray and ask the bartender to fill up your cigarette.

You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake.

All your character witnesses are in the drunk tank.

You have attempted to wring out a rum cake.

The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.

The rattlesnake that bit you yelped.

You once woke up with a new job.

Your menage a trois fantasies include a bartender.

Your DNA is shaped like a corkscrew.

Your streetside recycling company has to bring an extra truck.

The ATF has a You division.

You catch yourself rambling on about Thunderbird’s “delicate, yet audacious bouquet.”

You swallow your mouthwash because it reminds you of spearmint schnapps.

You drink tequila to get the taste of rum out of your mouth. And visa versa. For hours at a time.

You’d never steal a fellow drunk’s drink, but you do occasionally “adopt orphans.”

Your local liquor store let’s you put bottles on layaway.

You’ve attempted seppuku with a cocktail sword.

You have to go to court to find out what happened.

You’ve talked the monkey on your back into chipping in on bar tabs.

You’ve been 86’d from detox.

The only time Shane MacGowan looks sober is when he’s standing next to you.

You see nothing ironic in chasing your daily vitamins with a water glass full of whiskey.

Your office chair is a barstool.

You own three beer bong patents.

You only drink socially, except when you’re alone.

You can’t stand tomato juice but love those Bloody Marys.

You don’t need to hire a personal trainer to encourage you to start running because cops do it for free.

Your PhD. thesis in political science was titled, “I Could So Outdrink Ted Kennedy.”

You get indignant if a wedding reception has a cash bar. Especially if the reception was hard to sneak into.

The simple act of returning an empty keg can spiral into an big emotional scene.

You started taking scuba lessons when you learned that the Titanic went down with 500 cases of Bass Ale.

If a party runs out of booze, you sock the host and drink his nosebleed.

Your wife asks you to pick up a canned ham, and you show up with a case of Hamm’s in cans.

Interventions have become so frequent that you just leave the folding chairs set up in your living room.

The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish singing Enter Sandman.

You know how to say “Where are my pants?” in seven languages.

You have a lot of respect for that 80-year-old guy at the end of the bar, but you know from experience that he’s a dirty fighter.

You go on week-long benders just so you’ll have a cool story to tell at your AA meetings.

You got in a fist fight with a wino over how long a bottle of Thunderbird should be allowed to “breathe”.

You’re willing to go on the wagon, so long as it’s heading for a bar.

You got pissed off when you forgot whatever you were drinking to forget.

You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has to be HazMat certified.

If a wino jumped off a building, you’d bravely leap forward to break the fall of his bottle.

You install shag carpet because it’s easier to hang on to.

Embalming fluid would be an improvement.

Your last Breathalyzer reading was “No ****ing Way.”

Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of residence.

The state has installed a Breathalyzer interlock device on your shoes.

You drew up a living will that states very clearly that you do not want the booze tube removed under any circumstances.

Your friends often substitute “Good night” with “Hey, you can’t sleep here.”

When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.

You openly commit crimes just to learn new pruno recipes.

Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.

You’re fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed “Want To Leave the Bum, But Can’t” was written by your liver.

Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.

TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.

Someone offers you palm wine and you think they’re out of glassware.

You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasn’t helped cut down on cavities, but who cares?

When a panhandler asks, “Can you give me a quarter for some beer?” you reply, “Okay, but I want to taste it first.”

You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.

You have a split personality—every time you meet someone with booze you want to split it with them.

You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed your own wife.

You’ve never been to Afghanistan or Pakistan, but you’re a frequent visitor to Imtoodrunktostan.

You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.

You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa versa.

Your 86s are passed down to your grandchildren.

You have a sweet tooth for alcohol—in fact, your whole mouth likes it.

You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.

Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.

When you get a cold you get a bottle of whiskey, do shots, and it’s gone — not the cold, the whiskey.

You’re always shaking hands, even when there’s no one else around.

Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.

When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.

You get held up almost every time you go home — in fact it’s the only way you can get home.

You’d be happy to go on the wagon if you could find one with a bar.

Your favorite bar is four blocks away — six blocks coming back.

When you order a hound for the rouse.

The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.

You’re half scotch, and your ancestors aren’t from Scotland.

You know how to handle your liquor — with both hands.

You hate the very sight of liquor, which is why you hide it in your stomach.

You can tell what bar you’re in by the bottoms of their tables.

A liter of scotch isn't enough to invite a friend over for a drink.

Your first science fair project was a still.

You know most the of people in a bar and can’t remember one of their names.

Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.

They have to mix your blood with tonic water before giving it to anyone.

You’ve filed assault charges against a coffee table.

When you’re out in the street, you are literally “out” in the street.

You think of drinking beer as “sobering up,”

You can say “Whiskey, please” in 34 languages, but can’t understand “Last call” in English.

Your liver takes sides against you during an intervention.

You know better than going near an open flame while you’re bleeding.

Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.

You need a blood transfusion to legally enter a dry county.

Your flask is spring-loaded.

You judge cologne by its bouquet and finish.

Your liver is in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

A man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. "What are
you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well, I'll tell you," replies the man. "You know I live by the railway.
Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks,
like inthe movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my
place..
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all
night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top,
every position imaginable!"

"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno... Never found the head..."
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison