Q: What do the 58,000 battered women in America have in common?

A: They wouldn't fuckin' listen!



A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench. A ten-year-old boy walks by.

The priest eyes him and says to the rabbi, "Boy, I'd love to screw him."

The rabbi replies curiously, "Outta what?"



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

What's a four letter word for a woman, that ends with the letters U-N-T?
Aunt.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and
looks up and says to the monkey

"hey! what are you doing? "The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and
have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is ' dry 'and is going to get a
drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the
river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you??"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting with

the monkey in a tree smoking a joint, got too stoned and then fell into the
river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint,

and he looks up and calls to the monkey " Hey! "

The Monkey looks down and says " fuuuuuuuckk.......how much water did you
drink??"



What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Damn.



Why hasn't NASA sent a woman to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet.



Two snowmen standing in a field. One asks the other, "Do you smell carrots?"



How do you make a dead baby float?
Start with a blender and two scoops of ice cream...


What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?
A circus is a cunning array of stunts.



A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he
gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3
doors. The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of here. You
have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 5 gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore tooth. You have to pull the tooth out.

"Behind the third door is a nymphomaniac. When
you've completely satisfied her, you can leave"

The guy figures it's worth a shot, so he goes in
the first door and manages to drink the whole jug
of liquor. He goes in the second door, shuts it,
and the most horrible commotion can be heard from
inside the room. 20 minutes later, the guy finally
comes out. His clothes are torn to shreds, and he
is sliced and scratched head to toe.

Finally he manages to say, "Ok, where's that girl
with the sore tooth...?"


Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the forest?


a buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog vendor and says, make me one with everything.

Q. what's the best thing about fucking twenty-five year olds?
A. there's twenty of 'em



On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was
a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would
ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the
balcony and jump off.

Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat
the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until
curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to
the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinking, then jumping
off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back
again. How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that
when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently.
It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought
to himself, Hey, why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks
a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,
jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat.

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says,
"Superman, you're an asshole when you're drunk."



So this guy decides to have a halloween party, and tells everyone that it's costume only, trick is, the guests have to dress as their favourite emotion. Night of the party arrives and the host is out front guarding the gate. First guest shows up wearing a green thong and green body paint. When asked what his emotion was he replied "I'm green with envy." Pass. Next guest shows up dressed all in red and covered in cardboard spikes and when questioned says she's red with anger, so far, so good. Third guest shows up, naked save for a hollow pear on his manhood. "What in the name of holy fuck are you dressed as?" Asked the host...
"I'm fucking dis pear!" was the reply....


This couple has been married 20 years, and the husband insists on turning out the lights whenever they make love. One night, his wife flips on the lights in the middle of the act and finds him servicing her with a dildo. "What are you doing?!" she yells. He says, "I'll explain the dildo. You explain our three kids."

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.  The pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new parishioners.  You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a half weeks returned to the church.  When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.  "You are back so soon..is there a problem?"

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month…" the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult.  However, we managed to abstain through sheer will power.  The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." 

"However, the third week was unbearable.  We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible…anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.  One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.  When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamed facedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.  "We're not welcome at Home Depot, either."
_________________
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Little Johnnie comes down to breakfast since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

Not yet, said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon?

Why don't I have any milk in my cereal he asks?

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?
_________________
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President Bush.
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

That's a BAD joke.
_________________
Technology Unlimited * www.techunl.net * (405) 773-6037 * [email protected]

Goahed Makemyda wrote: That's a BAD joke.

Not sure if this is true or not but it makes a good joke....


With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Poky", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





SHUT UP! You know it's funny.
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

I laughed
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

me too.
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance before Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

------------------------------------------------------

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

------------------------------------------------------

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

------------------------------------------------------

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

------------------------------------------------------

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

------------------------------------------------------

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

------------------------------------------------------

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

------------------------------------------------------

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

------------------------------------------------------

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."
_________________
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A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I''m only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can''t tell. I''m only here to wash your face and hands." The ward nurse passes by and sees the man getting a little distraught so she marches over to inquire what is wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse she is undaunted. She whips back the bedclothes, pulls down his pajama trousers, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas, replaces the bedclothes and announces, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "Are my test results back?"

THREE old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them, opened his trench coat and exposed himself.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

And then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tilly, being older and feebler, bless her heart, couldn't reach that far.

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat......

He says " Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said,' Here - try these on.' So, she did and said, ' These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied, ' Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Mike. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon, Mike takes off his pants and says to Karen, " Here try these on." So she does and says, " These are too large, they don't fit me."

So Mike says, " Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Karen takes off her pants and hands them to Mike and says," Here you try on mine." So he does and says, " I can't get into your pants." So Karen says, " Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."
_________________
K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

For some reason, I feel that may be the same experience of his father.
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

A wealthy old lady decided to go on a photo safari in Africa. She took her faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear the dachshund says..."Where's that stupid monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard.





A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to
her, inhales a big breath of air through his nose and tells her that
her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes
her complaint to a supervisor in HR. Without identifying the guy, she
tells them what her coworker does and states that she wants to file a sexual
harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is
puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a coworker
telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget.

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Got Drunk?

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavoured schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

so true, so true.
_________________
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Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time."
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa




Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa

P.S.

Tell your mom she got the part.

Long Dong Claus




Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa




Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa
_________________
K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?