An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them
food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down
the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to
announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip
back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle. " Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my
country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which
the
flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks,
in my
country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."

"Understanding Engineers"

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it." Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
_________________
****THIS SPACE FOR RENT****

A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain,do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably damned dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".



To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it. Be strong,honey. I love you, too."

okay, that's twice. what's the penalty for reposting a joke from the same thread?
_________________
consume

damn

Despite wrote: what's the penalty for reposting a joke from the same thread?

as longs as ims nekkid, k.

PsYch0 wrote: as longs as ims nekkid, k.

My friend was on duty in the main computer lab on a quiet afternoon he
noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with
her arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same
position, only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

Finally, he approached her and asked if she needed help.

She replied, "It's about time! I pressed the F1 button over twenty
minutes ago!"

A man is dating threee women and he wants to know which one to marry. He gives each woman $5,000 to see what she will do with it.
The first woman uses the money to get all prettied up at a spa, buys new clothes for herself, and tells the man she did it to look good for him. He is impressed.

The second woman takes the money and goes and buys all kinds of gifts for the man. She tells the man she wants to make him happy. He is impressed.

The third woman invests the money and triples it in returns. She gives him back the 5,000 and takes the rest of the money and says she is investing it for their future together. The man is impressed.

So- who does he marry? The one with the biggest tits.

haha

Good ending.
_________________
mmm, mmmm, mmmmm, um ,mmmmm

Two traveling salesmen wanted to take a trip into snow county.



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby
farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all
to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the
two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that
it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski
weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house
and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to
admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I
did."



"Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."

((((((((((RING)))))))))

***pick up***

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy" .... "Is your Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank,"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"

"Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's
car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front
window and now she's all dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ...but he must have forgot that
last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the
swimming pool and now he's all real dead too."

***long pause***

***more pause****

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool????......Is this 555-7039?"

IRS LETTER
===========

Time to start thinking about filing that tax return.

Here is one person's answer to Tax Frustration.
It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst
of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and
credits. The letter speaks for itself.


Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of
the three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my
children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only
fair that, since they are minors and no longer my
responsibility, the government should know something about them
and what to expect over the next year.

Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and
reinstate the deductions. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!

I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you
mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't
run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some
Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up
early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all
of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have
felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence, or in the
face of overwhelming passion and ignoring us, safe sex.

This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will
be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you
reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one.
His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal
people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not
incarcerated first.

In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police
officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were
toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him
delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare.
His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the
big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time,
as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a
food fight in the cafeteria.

I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-
principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone, and it will be
much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement.
Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared
as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours.

She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties.
She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks
like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to
help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school has dropped it.

But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the
amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite
obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).

She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand
the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the
hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.

The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her
voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of
her ears pierced four more times.

There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am
sure that you can handle it.

Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in
her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that
you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take
the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's
college, but then I am free!

If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for
counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I
have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,
Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.
_________________
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

That was great! Make a point and be somewhat comical about it
_________________
meh... Don't have anything really to put here right now...

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after
accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of
things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martians respond, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the
male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's
got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a
quarter-inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!" "No
problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's
quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it is still
narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each
pull, his member grows thicker and thicker until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate
love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any
good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

repost

Why did God give women orgasms?


So they would have something else to moan about.

WEEK AT THE GYM; ONE MAN'S STORY - This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary...
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
Called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.............
Monday:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but and it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
Tuesday:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar! into the air-then she put weights on it! My legs were a litt le wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda t! old me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
Thursday:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday:
I hate that bitch Belinda more that any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in! the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the !@#$% <mailto:!@>^^) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a vasectomy.
_________________
For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good
morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your

time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum
cleaners. "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and
she
proceeded to close the door.. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged
his
foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he
said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that,
he
emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure
from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old
lady
stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite,

because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
_________________
mmm, mmmm, mmmmm, um ,mmmmm

Abbott and Costello (the 21st century version)
Remember the old "Who's on First"? Here's a modern version.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The word in office for windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The word you get when you click the blue "w."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 &4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "one."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue "w" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping, do you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not, they own it.