ONE EVENING MIKE WENT OVER HIS FRIEND TERRY'S HOUSE TO PLAY CARDS WITH SOME
FRIENDS. MIKE SAT DIRECTLY ACROSS FROM TERRY'S WIFE. MIKE DROPPED A CARD
ON THE FLOOR AND BENT DOWN TO PICK IT UP. WHEN HE LOOKED ACROSS THE TABLE
HE SAW THAT TERRY'S WIFE HAD HER LEGS OPEN AND NO PANTIES ON. HE SAT UP
AND WAS FLUSHED. HE WENT INTO THE KITCHEN TO GET A DRINK OF WATER. TO HIS
SURPRISE TERRY'S WIFE HAD FOLLOWED HIM INTO THE KITCHEN AND ASKED, "DID YOU
LIKE WHAT YOU SAW"?

MIKE SAID, "YES I DID." SHE SAID, "WELL YOU CAN GET MORE THAN THAT BUT IT
WILL COST YOU $500". SO MIKE THOUGHT ABOUT HIS FINANCIAL SITUATION AND
SAID, "O.K".... SHE SAID, "SO MEET ME HERE TOMORROW AT 2:30 BECAUSE TERRY
WILL BE AT WORK THEN". MIKE SAID, "I'LL SEE YOU THEN".

THE NEXT DAY, MIKE CAME OVER, THEY HAD SEX, HE PAID HER, THEN HE LEFT.

LATER, TERRY CAME HOME AND SAID,"HAS MIKE BEEN OVER HERE TODAY"? SHE SAID,
THINKING SHE HAD BEEN CAUGHT, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES." TERRY ASKED, "DID
HE LEAVE $500?" SHE SAID, "AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE DID". TERRY SAID,
"GOOD, BECAUSE THAT FOOL CAME BY MY JOB THIS MORNING AND ASKED TO BORROW
$500 TILL THIS EVENING, AND SAID HE WOULD LEAVE IT WITH YOU".
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

Pat was dying. His wife, Kristi, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Kristi," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Kristi," he said in his tired voice. "I...I Have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Kristi. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Kristi. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," Kristi whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

"How often should I plan to have sex?" the young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night.
Grandpa said, "When you're first married, you want it all the time, maybe several times a day. Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year -- maybe on your anniversary."

"Well, how about you and grandma now?" the younger man asked.

Grandpa replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What"s oral sex?"

"Well," said Grandpa, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, "FUCK YOU," and I holler back, "FUCK YOU, TOO."
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 and Beer Bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wife 1.0 user,

This is a very common problem that men complain about but is mostly due to the following primary misconception: Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities & Entertainment" program.

Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and is designed by its creator to run everything.

Warning! Do not try to un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0, because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.'

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs; this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having already installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push the 'Apologize' button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is also a very high maintenance program. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0: Monthly, use utilities such as TLC and FTD. Frequently use Communicator 5.0 Tech Support.
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child,
was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn.

When Heidi started going into labor, she called "911". Due to a power
outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a
flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver
the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his
bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed
3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled his little a$$
in there in the first place. Spank him again!"
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

David received a parrot for his birthday. This
parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and
worse vocabulary. Every other word was an
expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude
and was constantly saying polite words, playing
soft music, and anything else that came to mind.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the
bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird
got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the
parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard
the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then,
suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt
the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The bird
calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language
and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude
and was about to ask what changed him when the
parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

Another blonde joke

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one
night he's doing a show in a small town in Kentucky.
With his dummy on his knee, he's going through
his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on
her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough
of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think
you can stereotype women that way? What does the
color of a person's hair have to do with her worth
as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women
like me from being respected at work and in the
community and from reaching their full potential as
a person, because you and your kind continue to
perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize,
when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister!
I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

I like that!
_________________
More RAM than Dodge!

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls
over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, Touchdown, tie
score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha.I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal,I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman,
so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally
unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he shits
in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

I got yo maama jokes

Yo mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate".
Yo mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
Yo mama's so stupid, I asked her do tricks for me and she wagged her tail.
Yo mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked me what yield meant. I said "Slow down" and she said "What... does.... yield... mean?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she broke her neck at a flashing red light.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her a$$ and thought she was making a booty call.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was behind it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Grape Nuts was an STD.
Yo mama's so stupid, she climbed a chain link fence to see what was on the other side.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took a knife to a drive-by shooting.
Yo mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
Yo mama's so stupid, I told her I was reading a book by Homer and she asked if I had anything written by Bart.
Yo mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, but she got lost on the way down.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
Yo mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
Yo mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought brownie points were coupons for a bake sale.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Tupac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said "Cherry or grape?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she sat in a tree house because she wanted to be a branch manager.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I told her to squeal like a pig, she said "Moo!"
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her jumping up and down, asked what she was doing, and she said she drank a bottle of medicine and forgot to shake it.
Yo mama's so stupid, her latest invention was a glass hammer.
Yo mama's so stupid, she saw a billboard that said "Dodge Trucks" and she started ducking through traffic.
Yo mama's so stupid, she died from boiling water in the toaster.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she locked her keys in the car, it took her all day to get Yo family out.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked out of a convertible car with the top down.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she threw a grenade at me I pulled the pin and threw it back.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took you to the drive-in to see "Closed for the season."
Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulled into the drive-thru at McDonald's, she drove through the window.
Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food."
Yo mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got shoved in an oven and froze to death.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks fruit punch is a gay boxer.
Yo mama's so stupid, she brought a cup to the movie "Juice."
Yo mama's so stupid, she got locked in a meat locker and sweat to death.
Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad fskc her she said "Doesn't it go in my mouth?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she leaves the house for the Home Shopping Network.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to put M&M's in order.
Yo mama's so stupid, she peals M&M's to make chocolate chip cookies.
Yo mama's so stupid, she uses Old Spice for cooking.
Yo mama's so stupid, she threw a rock the ground and missed.
Yo mama's so stupid, her breasts are square cuz she forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sat on the TV & watched the couch.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the store to buy a color TV and asked what colors they had.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was a Catholic church.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought St. Ides was an island in the Caribbean.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks sexual battery is something in a dildo.
Yo mama's so stupid, the first time she used a vibrator, she cracked her two front teeth.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to the Gap to get her teeth fixed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her walking down the street yelling into an envelope, asked what she was doing, and she said sending a voice mail.
Yo mama's so stupid, she was on the corner giving out potato chips yellin' "Free Lays!"
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought menopause was a button on the VCR.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she worked at McDonald's and someone ordered small fries, she said "Hey Boss, all the small one's are gone."
Yo mama's so stupid, her shirt says TGIF- tits go in first.
Yo mama's so stupid, her shoes say TGIF- toes go in front.
Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were dynamite, she wouldn't have enough to blow her nose.
Yo mama's so stupid, if brains were gas she wouldn't have enough to power a flea-mobile around the inside of a Froot Loop.
Yo mama's so stupid, when they said they were playing craps she went and got toilet paper.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her if she wanted to play one on one, she said "Ok, but what's the teams?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to melt squeeze Parkay.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she took you to the airport and a sign said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama's so stupid, I said give me a quarterback and she gave me Dan Marino.
Yo mama's so stupid, she was locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Yo mama's so stupid, if you gave her a penny for her intelligence you'd get change.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ran outside with a purse because she heard there was change in the weather.
Yo mama's so stupid, they had to burn the school down to get her out of 3rd grade.
Yo mama's so stupid, she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
Yo mama's so stupid, she wouldn't know up from down if she had three guesses.
Yo mama's so stupid, when her husband lost his marbles she bought him new ones.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the internet was something you catch fish with.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to mail a letter with food stamps.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she could get food stamps at the post office.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought a lawsuit was something you wear to court.
Yo mama's so stupid, when the judge said "Order in the court," she said "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Burger King and thought she was a queen.
Yo mama's so stupid, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama's so stupid that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics."
Yo mama's so stupid, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo mama's so stupid, she had Dan Quayle check her spelling.
Yo mama's so stupid, when asked what a pronoun was, she said a noun that gets paid.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks socialism means partying!
Yo mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
Yo mama's so stupid, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F, and sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo mama's so stupid, when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line, she put "O.K."
Yo mama's so stupid, at bottom of application where it says Sign Here - she put Sagittarius.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
Yo mama's so stupid, you can tell when she's used the computer because there's White Out all over the screen.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got a part time job painting skittles.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks stereotype is the brand on her clock-radio.
Yo mama's so stupid, she can't make Jello because she can't fit 2 quarts of water in the bix.
Yo mama's so stupid, you can make her eyes twinkle by shining light in her ears.
Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she went by the YMCA she said "Hey, they spelled MACY's wrong."
Yo mama's so stupid, on her job application where it says emergency contact she put 911.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked for a price check at the dollar store.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she pulls up to a flashing red light it sounds like this... Vroom, Screech, Vroom, Screech.
Yo mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice.
Yo mama's so stupid, if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
Yo mama's so stupid when she asked me what kinda jeans I wore, I said Guess and she said "Ah Levis?"
Yo mama's so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama's so stupid, she said "what's that letter after x" and I said Y she said "Cause I wanna know".
Yo mama's so stupid, she took lessons for a player piano.
Yo mama's so stupid, she stands up on an empty bus.
Yo mama's so stupid, the bitch snuck on the bus and paid to get off.
Yo mama's so stupid, she studied for a blood test and failed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button in "9-1-1"
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Boyz2Men was a daycare center.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to insult you and started with "Yo mama's..."
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on soul train.
Yo mama's so stupid, she invented a solar powered flashlight.
Yo mama's so stupid, when I asked her about X-Men she said "Sure, there's Harry my first baby daddy, Willy the guy I see on Thursdays..."
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought the board of education was a piece of wood.
Yo mama's so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitiment" because she couldn't read.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Wu-Tang is an orange flavored drink.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ran out of gas leaving Texaco.
Yo mama's so stupid, her idea of safe sex is locking the car doors.
Yo mama's so stupid, she sold the house to pay the mortgage.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw a "Wrong Way" sign in her rearview mirror, she turned around.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought asphalt was a skin disease.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Delta Airlines was a sorority.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
Yo mama's so stupid, when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Yo mama's so stupid, she married Yo daddy.
Yo mama's so stupid, she called the 7-11 to see when they closed.
Yo mama's so stupid, she gave your uncle a blowjob 'cause he said it'd help his unemployment.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from a blow-job.
Yo mama's so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo mama's so stupid, I taught her how to do the running man and I haven't seen the bitch since.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a sanitary belt is drinking a shot out of a clean glass.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a peephole in a glass door.
Yo mama's so stupid, when someone said "Take the trash out," she moved.
Yo mama's so stupid, she used a vibrator for an egg beater.
Yo mama's so stupid, she wiped her a$$ before she took a $h*t.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went to Dr. Dre for a pap smear.
Yo mama's so stupid, she asked you "What is the number for 911".
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to steal a free sample.
Yo mama's so stupid, I told her Christmas was just around the corner and she went looking for it.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Christmas Wrap is Snoop Dogg's holiday album.
Yo mama's so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Trak Auto is where you get hair weaves for your car.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got shot running the border after seeing a Taco Bell commercial.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican Phone Company.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered a cheese burger from McDonald's and said "Hold the cheese."
Yo mama's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put on a coat to chew winterfresh gum.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got on her knees to drink her "Nehi" peach drink.
Yo mama's so stupid, she thought Thiland was a men's clothing store.
Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's.
Yo mama's so stupid, when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo mama's so stupid, she needed a tutor to learn how to scribble.
Yo mama's so stupid, she ordered her sushi well done.
Yo mama's so stupid, she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.
Yo mama's so stupid, she fell up the stairs.
Yo mama's so stupid, she went on Double Dare and when they asked her name she said "I think I'll take the physical challenge."
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

yo mamma so fat jokes

Yo mama's so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls a$$, she has to make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she hauls a$$, she has friends come help.
Yo mama's so fat, I've got to tell two snaps just to cover her fat a$$.
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's her forearm, neck, and thigh!
Yo mama's so fat, she's 36-24-36... but that's in feet.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to grease a door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side to get her through.
Yo mama's so fat, she can lay down and stand up and her height doesn't change.
Yo mama's so fat, when she dances, she makes the band skip.
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks across the living room, the radio skips.
Yo mama's so fat, when she played hide-n-go-seek, she hid behind a water tower.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Polo shirt is real.
Yo mama's so fat, the horse on her Jordache jeans is real.
Yo mama's so fat, she's not kidding when she says "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!"
Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she says "Trick or meatloaf!"
Yo mama's so fat, on Halloween she trick or treats two houses at a time.
Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "I give up!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she opens the refrigerator, it says "Uncle!"
Yo mama's so fat, Fat Albert gave her the rights to say "Hey, hey, hey!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her a dinosaur.
Yo mama's so fat, when she ordered a "My Size Meal" at McDonald's they gave her the key to the store.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to Burger King and asked for a Whopper, they gave her the sign.
Yo mama's so fat, when she works at the movie theater, she works as the screen.
Yo mama's so fat, when she runs she makes the CD player skip... at the radio station.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mama's so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say:
"Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama's so fat, when she ran away, they had to put her picture on the milk truck.
Yo mama's so fat, you can't even see her legs, it just looks like she's gliding across the floor.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's.
Yo mama's so fat, instead of wide leg jeans, she wears wide load.
Yo mama's so fat, she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... wearing ropes.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't wear a G-String, she wears an A, B, C, D, E, F, G-String.
Yo mama's so fat, she fills up the bath tub, and then she turns on the water.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses diet soap.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to use a lawn chair instead of a Thigh Master.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to sit down and the chair begged for mercy.
Yo mama's so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
Yo mama's so fat, when I said I wanted "Pigs in a blanket" she got back in bed.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a grounds keeper.
Yo mama's so fat, she doesn't have love handles, she has a roll bar.
Yo mama's so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama's so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall!
Yo mama's so fat, her picture takes two frames.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw a picture of her in a magazine on page 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8.
Yo mama's so fat, when I yell "Kool-Aid," she comes crashing through the wall.
Yo mama's so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mama's so fat, she's larger than life.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
Yo mama's so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin.
Yo mama's so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, she's once, twice, three times a lady.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was walking in her jeans I swear I smelled something burning.
Yo mama's so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.
Yo mama's so fat, her a$$ has it's own congressman.
Yo mama's so fat, she shops for clothes in the local tent shop.
Yo mama's so fat, her favorite blouse is a tent.
Yo mama's so fat, she deep-fries her toothpaste.
Yo mama's so fat, her favorite food is seconds.
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on a train track, the warning lights went on.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks "Where can I try that on?"
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the circus she takes up all the rings.
Yo mama's so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her to move her fat a$$ out of the way.
Yo mama's so fat, even God couldn't raise her spirits.
Yo mama's so fat that she has TB... two bellies.
Yo mama's so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama's so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama's so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
Yo mama's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks.
Yo mama's so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she plays the interior line.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to keep pesos in one pocket and yen in the other.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears heels, they're flats by the afternoon.
Yo mama's so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts "The coast is clear."
Yo mama's so fat, she wakes up in sections.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is rocky-road.
Yo mama's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama's so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her yearbook picture is an aerial.
Yo mama's so fat, her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
Yo mama's so fat, they used her for a trampoline at the Olympics.
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon.
Yo mama's so fat, when she put on some BVD's by the time they reached her waist they spelled "BouleVarD."
Yo mama's so fat, when she auditioned for a part in "Indiana Jones," she got the part as the big rolling ball.
Yo mama's so fat, she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu, and says "Okay."
Yo mama's so fat, when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama's so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
Yo mama's so fat, I had to roll over twice to get off of her.
Yo mama's so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama's so fat, she's got Amtrak tattooed on her leg.
Yo mama's so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.
Yo mama's so fat, she freebases ham.
Yo mama's so fat, we got her in the drive-in free by dressing her as a Chevy.
Yo mama's so fat, she went on a light diet... As soon as it's light she starts eating.
Yo mama's so fat, she's on a new diet... slim slow.
Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a triet... She be like "What ya'll eating? I'll try it!"
Yo mama's so fat, she went on a seafood diet... Whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo mama's so fat, she could go a week without eating and still not lose weight.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't lose weight, only find it.
Yo mama's so fat, when she bends over we go into daylight savings time.
Yo mama's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half American.
Yo mama's so fat, she got it goin' on... and on and on and on.
Yo mama's so fat, when I climbed up on top of her, I burned my a$$ on the lightbulb.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to an office, they tell her to pull up a sofa.
Yo mama's so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
Yo mama's so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes.
Yo mama's so fat, they have to run a relay race to get her belt through her belt loops.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama's so fat, her belt size is the equator.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears an asteroid belt.
Yo mama's so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo mama's so fat, her a$$ looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
Yo mama's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mama's so fat, when I was done I rolled over, over again, and I was still on top of the bitch.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama's so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the Rose Parade they thought she was a float.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to Sizzler and got a group discount.
Yo mama's so fat, she made weight watchers go blind.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each timezone.
Yo mama's so fat n black, she jumped in the ocean and they thought she was an oil spill.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to wear a three piece bathing suit.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped in the ocean and the ocean jumped back and said "I'll wait my turn."
Yo mama's so fat, when she plays football she play offense and defense.
Yo mama's so fat, her nickname is "Damn."
Yo mama's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot-dogs.
Yo mama's so fat, your daddy had to roll her in flower and look for the wet spot.
Yo mama's so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mama's so fat, I shot the bitch and Crisco came out.
Yo mama's so fat, she DJ's for the ice cream truck.
Yo mama's so fat, I tried to f*ck her doggy style but I was just ridin' piggy back.
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to "Get the f*ck off."
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "f*ck it, they don't pay me enough!"
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it told her "Sorry, we don't do livestock."
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said "Please step out of the car."
Yo mama's so fat, she stepped on a scale and she saw her phone number.
Yo mama's so fat, the last time she saw 90210 she was on a scale.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets on the scale it says "To be continued."
Yo mama's so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "One at a time, please."
Yo mama's so fat, when she weighed herself the scale gave her an equation.
Yo mama' so fat, she's moving the Earth out of its orbit.
Yo mama's so fat, Yo father didn't know whether to f*ck her or take the burro ride down.
Yo mama's so fat, no one can talk behind her back.
Yo mama's so fat, I gain weight just by watching her eat.
Yo mama's so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
Yo mama's so fat, she's got her own zip code.
Yo mama's so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her as a new world.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't wear Dazzey Dukes. She has to wear Boss Hoggs.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama's so fat, her tailor takes her measurements in light years.
Yo mama's so fat, when she comes down the stairs she measures on the Richter scale.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders "Thank You, Come Again."
Yo mama's so fat, she eats biscuits like tic tacs.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't eat Wheat Thins, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama's so fat, when yo father fell in love with her he got lost.
Yo mama's so fat, when she swims, she leaves stretch marks on the swimming pool.
Yo mama's so fat, when she gets out of the car, she leaves stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, she leaves stretch marks on the bathtub.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fills up the tub, she fills up the tub.
Yo mama's so fat, she gets clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama's so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama's so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo mama's so fat, she has more nooks and crannies than a Thomas' English Muffin.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama's so fat, she eats pumpkin pies like Skittles.
Yo mama's so fat, when the cashier at KFC asked what size bucket she wanted, she said the one on the roof.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to grease her hands to get into her pockets.
Yo mama's so fat, she has two stomachs: One for meat, one for vegetables.
Yo mama's so fat, she masturbates reading cookbooks.
Yo mama's so fat, the shadow of her a$$ weighs 50 pounds.
Yo mama's so fat, even her shadow has stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, she needs a roadmap to find her a$$.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo mama's so fat, she measures 36 24 36, and the other arm is just as big.
Yo mama's so fat, the earth orbits around her instead of the sun.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA orbits satellites around her.
Yo mama's so fat, NASA is going to use her to fill the hole in the ozone layer.
Yo mama's so fat, she plays hopscotch like this: LA, Detroit, Seattle, NY.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to a dating service, they matched her up with Detroit.
Yo mama's so fat, I saw her in New York, and when I told my friend in LA, he'd seen her too.
Yo mama's so fat, after she got off the carousel, the horse limped for a week.
Yo mama's so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo mama's so fat, she looks like the Stay-Puff marshmallow man on steroids.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on the corner and the police came & said "Break it up!"
Yo mama's so fat, she can't just work one corner, she has to work all four.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a dollar and made change.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made out of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change the radio station.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to get out of the car to change gears.
Yo mama's so fat, she got a "speed pass" for Dairy Queen.
Yo mama's so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo mama's so fat, she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said H d.
Yo mama's so fat, she had to roll over 4 times just to get an even tan.
Yo mama's so fat, she tried to get an all-over tan, and the sun burned out.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses hula hoops to hold up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a hula-hoop for a belly-button ring.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo mama's so fat, her skates went flat.
Yo mama's so fat, her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
Yo mama's so fat, she wears a VCR for a beeper.
Yo mama's so fat, she fell off a boat and the captain yelled "Land Ho!"
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on a rowing machine and it sank.
Yo mama's so fat, she went to a Chinese Restaurant and ordered a 40oz. of gravy.
Yo mama's so fat, she has 48 midnight snacks.
Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo mama's so fat, she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat in Big Foot and made it a lowrider.
Yo mama's so fat, when she got on the bus she turned it into a low rider.
Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street everyone yells "Earthquake!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks down the street, you can hear her hips saying to each other "If you let me by, I'll let you pass."
Yo mama's so fat, when she walks in front of the T.V., you miss 5 minutes of your show.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing stopping her from going to Jenny Craig is the door.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she lost at Jenny Craig was $29.95.
Yo mama's so fat, Jenny Craig did a credit check.
Yo mama's so fat, when she volunteered to clean cages at the zoo, people walked by and said "Look at the elephant!"
Yo mama's so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a "Caution! Wide Turn" sign.
Yo mama's so fat, she sat on an Oreo and unlocked the magic.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to baptize her at Sea World.
Yo mama's so fat, last time she went to Sea World Shamu got a hard on.
Yo mama's so fat, she jumed in da ocean and the whales started singing "We are family!"
Yo mama's so fat, when I have sex with her I have to slap her a$$ and ride the wave in.
Yo mama's so fat, they changed my Physics book to say "What goes up must come down, except Yo mama."
Yo mama's so fat, they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping.
Yo mama's so fat, she bungee jumped and went straight to hell.
Yo mama's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses a kiddie slide for a shoe horn.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses blanket as a washcloth.
Yo mama's so fat, when her beeper went off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to the beach, little kids yell "Free Willy, Free Willy."
Yo mama's so fat, as a kid, she couldn't play Hide-n-seek, just seek.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes Free Willy look like a Tic-Tac.
Yo mama's so fat, when she backs up she beeps.
Yo mama's so fat, she plays pool with the planets.
Yo mama's so fat, she's taller lying down.
Yo mama's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
Yo mama's so fat, the only thing she can fit into at the clothing store is the dressing rooms.
Yo mama's so fat, when she fell down the stairs, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo mama's so fat, she has to use sleeping bags for tube socks.
Yo mama's so fat, they had to install speed bumps at the all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, she pulls up a chair to an all-u-can-eat buffet.
Yo mama's so fat, when it says all-u-can-eat it still ain't enough.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama's so fat, you can pinch an inch on her forehead.
Yo mama's so fat, you can smack it up, flip it, and rub it down all at the same time.
Yo mama's so fat, you could go swimming in her bra.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama's so fat, on a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 747.
Yo mama's so fat, she has a greater gravitational attraction than a black hole.
Yo mama's so fat, she uses the carpet as a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show.
Yo mama's so fat, she made Richard Simmons cry.
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she saw a yellow bus going down the road she yelled "Hey! Stop that Twinkie."
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a red dress people yell "Hey Kool-Aid Man."
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people call her "Taxi!"
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, kids think its the school bus.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wears a purple sweater people call her "Barney."
Yo mama is so fat, when she sits in a chair, the rolls on her legs, cover her feet like a blanket.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her a$$ back in the water.
Yo mama's so fat, when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.
Yo mama's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, and you're so poor, when she comes in your house the tires pop.
Yo mama's so fat, she don't know wether she's walking or rolling.
Yo mama's so fat, when she tiptoes, everyone yells "Stampede!"
Yo mama's so fat, she get's her toenails painted at Earl Schieb's.
Yo mama's so fat, but I fskc her anyway.
Yo mama's so fat, when I tried to f*ck her I didn't know if I was hitting the hole or a roll.
Yo mama's so fat, when my dog went to f*ck her he had to peel too many fat rolls and said "f*ck It."
Yo mama's so fat, when she fart the whole planet came out.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes sumo wrestlers look anerexic.
Yo mama's so fat, her car is made of spandex.
Yo mama's so fat, we're inside her right now.
Yo mama's so fat, she makes Big Bird look like a rubber duck.
Yo mama's so fat, one day when she got in a fight the person fighting her got lost in her.
Yo mama's so fat, when she wore a shirt with an AA on it, people thought it was American Airlines biggest jet.
Yo mama's so fat, if she were an airplane, she'd be a jumbo jet.
Yo mama's so fat, one day she was lifting up her rolls and a car fell out.
Yo mama's so fat, Dr. Martens had to kill 3 cows just to make her a pair of shoes.
Yo mama's so fat, she can't stay on a basketball court for three seconds without getting called for a key violation.
Yo mama so fat that she climbed Mt. Fuji with one step.
Yo mama's so fat, all the chairs in her house have seatbelts.
Yo mama's so fat, she smells like bacon at 90 degrees.
Yo mama's so fat, and her back is so crooked, when she lays down...people say "I didn't know we had mountains."
Yo mama's so fat, when she travels, she's gotta make two trips.
Yo mama's so fat, God created her, and on tHe seventh day he rested.
Yo mama's so fat, they call her "Big Fat Ho."
Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama's so fat, when she was born, she didn't get a birth certificate, she got blue prints.
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

Two guys are sitting in the airport, each of them having a black eye. One guy says to the other, "hey, I noticed you have a black eye, how did you get yours?" The other guy says, "Well, this morning at breakfast, my wife told me to take out the garbage when I got home from my trip tonight, I told her to do it herself, thats a women's job. Thats how I got mine. How did you get yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it was almost the same as yours. We were sitting at breakfast, and, well, what I meant to say was honey, please pass the butter. What came out was, you ruined my life you fu_king bitch."
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

THREE MEN - ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY, WERE SITTING NAKED
IN A SAUNA, SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.

THE GERMAN PRESSED HIS FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT
HIM QUESTIONINGLY, "THAT WAS MY PAGER," HE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER
THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG, THE JAPANESE FELLOW LIFTED HIS PALM TO
HIS EAR. WHEN HE FINISHED, HE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE, I HAVE
A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE HILLBILLY FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUTDONE, HE DECIDED HE
HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. HE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND
WENT TO THE BATHROOM, HE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HIS BUTT. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HIM. THE
HILLBILLY FINALLY SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT, I'M GETTING A FAX."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

Party Time

Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the stress. He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise, it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of total isolation, someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Names Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night..thought you might like to come.. about 5:00 pm".

"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you!"
Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem," says tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.

"Tom says, Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More 'n likely be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. "By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

What did one boob say to the other boob?

If we don't get some support we're gonna go nuts!
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

(not really jokes, but funny anecdotes, nonetheless.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

True Doctor Stories
------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --Dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.

--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left." Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

------------------------------------------------------------------------

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

------------------------------------------------------------------------

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered ... Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."

--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, So, how's your breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."

--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

------------------------------------------------------------------------

And Finally . . . .

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

--won't admit his name
_________________
site5 hosting • facebook • flickr

heard on rick and brad this morning:

3 engineers--a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer-- were discussing the issue of God. The mechanical engineer says, "God must have been a mechanical engineer. Just look at the joints in the human body." The electrical engineer pipes in his two cents, "No, no, no, God is an electrical engineer, with the nervous system, and all the nerves must fire at precise times for everything to work." And lastly, the Civil Engineers says, "God was obviously a Civil Engineer. Who else would have but a waste management pipeline so close to a recreational area?"
_________________
site5 hosting • facebook • flickr

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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Good ones!
_________________
More RAM than Dodge!