A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very
attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at
his
watch for a moment. The woman notices and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was
just
testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so
special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,"
he
explains. "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..." The woman giggles and
replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains, "Damn thing, must be an hour fast!"
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

Sorry if I posted anything that was already on here... lol, just couldnt let K_os have all the fun....
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

Got this from a friend today:

There's a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a
Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and
his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.


A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:


Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as
pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his
wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and a note, which says:


Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours
Acme Costume Co.


Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his
wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another
nasty letter of complaint.


The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:


Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your
bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,

Acme Costume Co.
_________________
meh... Don't have anything really to put here right now...

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the gulf coast for some sightseeing.

He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a maroon AGGIE jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men inside wearing Burnt Orange TEXAS jerseys.

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semi-conscious Aggie from the water. Then, using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I'll give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Texas A&M and the University of Texas, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up ok, or do we need to get another one?"
_________________
K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

?Not yet,? said the little boy. His mother tells him he can?t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he?s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. ?How come I don?t get any eggs and bacon? Why don?t I have any milk in my cereal?? he asks.

?Well,? his mother says, ?I saw you kick a chicken, so you don?t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don?t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren?t getting any milk this morning.?

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he?s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, ?Are you going to tell him, or should I??
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

A masked man walks into a bank with a gun, and says, ? Put your hands up!?
The girl replies ?This is not a real bank. this is a sperm bank.? He says ?I know. Open that door up and take out one of those bottles and drink one.? She does and the man takes off his mask, and the girl realizes it?s her husband. ?That wasn?t so hard, was it??he says.
_________________
"You can drink a shy girl crazy, you can drink 'till that good girl sins.. you can even drink an ugly girl pretty, but you cant drink a fat girl thin" -Jeff Daniels

“Laws are like sausages, it is better not to see them being made,” Otto von Bismarck

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

He said, "You must be single."

The woman, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

BWAGHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! any joke ending abstractly in "because you're ugly" is priceless
_________________
www.thefifthcolumn.net ... watch your back!

several decent ones here
http://www.teenagehumor.com/jokes/1001.php
_________________
_______
|V|?8|??
???????

uber-cheesy jokes

Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar. One was asalted.
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
-------------------------------------------------------
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
-------------------------------------------------------
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."
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Two antenna meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
-------------------------------------------------------
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
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Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
-----------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
-------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eye? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
_________________
site5 hosting • facebook • flickr

how do you circumsize a priest?

slap the alter boy in the mouth.
_________________
63.209.36.10:27015
CS 1.6

Joe finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a

Hawaiian cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life....until the

boat sank.


He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other

people, no supplies....nothing!! Only bananas and coconuts. After

about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most

gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks

her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"


"I rowed over from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed

here when my cruise ship sank."


"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up

with you."


"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw

material found on the island. I whittled the oars from gum tree

branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and

stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."


"But-but, that's impossible," stutters Joe "You had no tools or

hardware. How did you manage?"


"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the South side of

the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed.

I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted

into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools

to make the hardware."


Joe is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says.


After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf.

As Joe looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him

is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and

white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven

hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into

the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit

down please; would you like to have a drink?"


"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "I can't take any more

coconut juice."


"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I built a still. How

about a Mai Tai?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down

on her hand-woven couch to talk. After they have exchanged their

stories, the woman announces, "I am going to slip into something more

comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a

razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."


No longer questioning anything, Joe goes into the bathroom. There, in

the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to

a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel

mechanism. "WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "what next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,

strategically

positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to

sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering

closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. I know

you have been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like

doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months.

You know....." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean ----", he swallows excitedly, "We can watch OU Football from
here?"
_________________
K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

Okay, see if you can do this. Read each line aloud
without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

ElkySS wrote: Okay, see if you can do this. Read each line aloud
without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

In Pharmacology all drugs have two names; a trade name and a generic name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen, Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin, and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, Dixafix and of course, Ibepokin
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

The Story of My Life ...A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with
stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life
became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some
excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on
anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as
often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but
directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet
planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious
that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

Ways to Annoy Your Public Bathroom Stall-Mate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,
"may I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with
a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of six feet. Sigh
relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get in there."

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbor's while yelling, "Whoa! Easy
boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting............. more floaters than sinkers.'"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall of your neighbor. Then
say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me now."

14. Fill a balloon with cream corn. Rush into the stall with your
hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you
squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize
profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggott."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now
what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt
cheeks.

18. Before you un-roll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the
adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you
can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born
Free."
_________________
I might contradict my self, but at least I don?t contradict myself.

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs
away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but
only finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him
up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her,
kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he's
in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped
prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and
hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants
sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him
satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He was not
kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought
you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong,
honey, I love you, too."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

5 passengers, 4 parachutes

An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only
4 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA
basketball player; the Lakers need me. I can't afford to die." So he took
the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am
the wife of the former U.S. President, a N.Y. State Senator and a
potential future president. And I am the smartest woman in American history,
so America's people don't want me to die, and she took the 2nd pack and
jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, George W. Bush, said, "I'm
the president of the United States of America. I have great
responsibility being the leader of a superpower nation." So he grabbed the
pack next to him and jumped. The 4th passenger, the Pope, said to the 5th
passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I am old and frail and don't have
many years left, and as a Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you
have the last parachute." The girl said, "That's OK. There's a
parachute left for you. America's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
_________________
Thats the Biz sweetheart.

Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks.
_________________
Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg