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LightningCrash
Smile like Bob, order your free LC today


Joined: 03 Apr 2003
Posts: 5020
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Was a boy a man to be
But had a tool of inches three
When his wife did he bewed
She merely cried and hung her head
Then said to him with such retort
"Psycho, lad, you're very short"

Post Tue Jun 24, 2003 10:55 am  View user's profile Send private message
LightningCrash
Smile like Bob, order your free LC today


Joined: 03 Apr 2003
Posts: 5020
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When does an Irishman stop drinking?

When he's dead!

Post Tue Jun 24, 2003 10:56 am  View user's profile Send private message
Sagz
Jaeger Bomb!


Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 2160
Location: Norman
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(true story)

Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin. The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the film of the disastrous results of the experiments along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.




Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."
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Post Tue Jul 01, 2003 8:01 am  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
nimda
Curator of art Faggory


Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Yu're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 12:39 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Scope
Tropical Scope


Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 871
Location: Do the Mario!
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There once lived a man who loved the sea. He would sail his hometown's harbor endlessly as a child, and, when he grew older, he decided he would build the greatest vessel to ever set sail in a body of water. For years he toiled, amassing an immense amount of wealth. On a tip from a stranger while studying in college, he found a job at an up-and-coming security firm, which specialised in security systems for large private vessels. Realising that this was his opportunity to make connections in the naval industry, he quickly dropped out of college to pursue his dream.

He started as a simple salesman, selling motion detectors, electronic locks, and security personnel to wealthy businessmen, dictactors, and international shipping companies. One Tuesday morning, after nearly seven years in what seemed like a dead-end job, he was passing by the Research and Development department, where he noticed that they were trying to retrofit a large yacht with heavy automatic doors around the bridge. This was a new product that the firm wanted to test the market with--piracy had been on the rise recently, and shipping companies were losing millions to stolen ships and products. Coincidentally, in college he had taken several courses in ballistics, and noticed that while the doors were plenty sturdy, the walls and other key structural points around the controls that R&D was trying to protect would certainly not hold up to a determined assailant. Surprised by his knowledge and new perspective, they quickly fired and rehired him as an R&D technician.

Eventually, he rose through the ranks until he became director of the department. Having fallen in love with the CEO's daughter, he was quickly brought into the fold of upper management, and when the CEO died in a tragic boating accident, he took over the company. He used his charisma and innovative business skills to not only secure nearly 68% of the world market, but he also managed to buy out several other corporations, forming a giant naval conglomerate that manufactured cruise vessels, shipping boats, oil tankers, and even some parts for military watercraft. Despite his accomplishments and all of his successes, he still remembered his dream: he would build the largest vessel to ever sail in a body of water.

At the age of 57 he began the initial planning stages of his dream boat. Industry records were broken each week, as he put in orders for the world's largest propeller, the world's largest ballast tanks, and the world's largest anchor. After assembling half of the ship, he realised that the entire thing would not fit in the drydock he had prepared for construction. He halted development and built an enormous new production facility, which, as a bonus, would be sold to the military after he was finished with it. After nearly ten years, the ship was complete. Measuring nearly a kilometer long, and boasting a gross tonnage of 1.2 million metric tons, it was a veritable floating island.

He quickly set sail for each of the exotic islands; he wanted to visit all available ones and purchase one so that he could enjoy sailing on his monstrous boat at least twice a year (once to visit, once to return home). Unfortunately, while on an island in the South Pacific, he was bitten by a mosquito. The mosquito carried a rare disease that caused his nervous system to malfunction. He slipped into a coma for appromximately thirteen years.

During this time, his wife left him, his children grew old, and he lost his position as CEO of the security firm. However, he still had his riches, so his ship's crew stayed loyal, as he was paying them an incredulous amount of money to maintain the ship. On the thirteenth year of his vegetative state, an immense hurricane struck the island. Perhaps it was something in the air, or perhaps the shock of it brought him out, nobody knows. But he came to, and remembered everything. After repairing the damage to his ship, he was about to set sail for home again, in hopes of reconciling with his ex-wife, when a strange young man with dreadlocks and odd piercings approached him:

"Ey, do you have a cushmaker, eh?"

Now, by this time, he was an expert on all things relating to boats. However, he had never heard of a cushmaker. Still, he played along and pretended, not wanting to look like a fool.

"Uh...yeah, actually--but how well do you make cushes? Perhaps if you are better I will hire you."

"Ah, unfortunately I cannot demonstrate--but, if you do not like me performance, I will give you your money back. So you see, no harm to you, my friend."

"Okay, okay. What do you need?"

"For cushmaking, I require two very, very strong men. You must also give me a place on your boat, and provide me and the two men with a forge and great amounts of iron--do you have the money, to buy all these things?"

"Yes, yes, surely I do," he said, anxious to make his boat even better.

"O-K, we see how it goes now, eh?"

"Yes, yes, this is good."

And so he constructed a room, with a forge, and shut the odd looking man and two of the strongest men he could find inside the room. They toiled constantly, hammering and heating, although he did not know the specifics, as they worked very secretly and only paused to pull in more iron and perhaps some food.

After forty days of working, the two strong men emerged, dragging an extremely large chain. They picked it up by the end, and began to twirl. The chain clanked and creaked initially, but soon, the entire length of it was airborne, and it whooshed through the air gracefully, turn, after turn, after turn. The strong men spun faster, and faster, and faster. And when it seemed that they could not rotate at a greater rate, they sped up just a bit more, and let go of the chain.

It sailed over the sea, far, far away, shifting gently in the air as if it were a giant sea serpent, welcoming the sight of home, the cool water where it so desired to be. And as the sun went down, igniting the sky in a sea of bright crimson and mango orange, the chain began to fall down, and down, and down...until it crashed into the sea, and all that could be heard was...


...*cush*

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 12:54 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address ICQ Number
Brules
M F C E O


Joined: 23 Mar 2003
Posts: 11074
Location: Konnichiwa, bitches.
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Someone explain the longest, most tedious and unfunny joke EVAR to me?

Brules

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 1:21 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
MO8IUS
I's L N B !!!!!!! Sheesh!


Joined: 24 Mar 2003
Posts: 461
Location: Norman, OK
I know it was you Fredo....  Reply with quote  

You're dead to me now Scope....

that was a loooonnggg unfunny read...unless the jokes on me for reading it.
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 1:29 pm  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Despite
I am Chaotic Good Bitchy.


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 2957
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Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said,
"Sister, this is a silent Monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her,
"Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, the Priest called Sister Mary Katherine. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 2:01 pm  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website ICQ Number
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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Q:What do you tell a blonde with two black eyes?
A:Nothing, you already told her twice.
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 2:07 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
nimda
Curator of art Faggory


Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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scope: BEST JOKE EVER!

bwhahahahahhaha!

Brules, if you really need someone to explain it to you, it still wouldn't be funny to ya. Rolling Eyes
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Last edited by nimda on Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 2:08 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Crazyman
pwn3d


Joined: 14 May 2003
Posts: 187
Location: Abandoned Base
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A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bartender here?"

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 3:52 pm  View user's profile Send private message
J3ST3R
I'm NSFW


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 6732
Location: White Forest
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I don't get it....

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:16 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
nimda
Curator of art Faggory


Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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hah! Razz c'mon, jester. think about it. it's a knee-slapper.
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 8:28 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Sagz
Jaeger Bomb!


Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 2160
Location: Norman
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I get it... but I don't think its funny. a "Cush... maker"

But hey... someone laughed... and thats all that counts.
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Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 9:10 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Crazyman
pwn3d


Joined: 14 May 2003
Posts: 187
Location: Abandoned Base
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does anyone get my joke ?

Post Thu Jul 03, 2003 9:46 pm  View user's profile Send private message
nimda
Curator of art Faggory


Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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yes.
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Post Fri Jul 04, 2003 11:25 am  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
Evisr8r
Junkie


Joined: 19 Mar 2003
Posts: 560
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AHAHAAHAHAH!!! oooh... ahem* so a guy walks into a bar and says... "OW!"


AHAHAHAHAHAAHH!!!
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Post Sat Jul 05, 2003 12:39 am  View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
detox
Naaaaaah. NaaaaaFLAC.


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 4317
Location: Durant
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scope:

Next time just paraphrase the damn thing!

Post Sat Jul 05, 2003 1:23 am  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website ICQ Number
nimda
Curator of art Faggory


Joined: 18 Mar 2003
Posts: 12180
Location: on a mountain in colorado
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that's the whole point of the joke: the setup.
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Post Sat Jul 05, 2003 10:51 am  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
detox
Naaaaaah. NaaaaaFLAC.


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 4317
Location: Durant
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Baptist Cowboy
A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas, orders three mugs of Bud

and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders

three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it, it would taste

better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies,

"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Australia, the

other is in Dublin, and I'm in Texas. When we all left home,

we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days

we drank together. So I drink one for each of my brothers and

one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom,

and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar,

and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and

drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes

back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my

condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled

for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no,

everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I

joined the Baptist Church in Sweetwater and I had to quit

drinking.. . . . . . Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Post Tue Jul 08, 2003 10:30 am  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website ICQ Number
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