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Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of
them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were
out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards
cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple
cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered
that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In
his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it
broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the
straw end of the broom
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the
door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a
great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't
it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you
like me to stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the
Christmas tree.
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:18 pm  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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I'm paraphrasing this as it was told to me second hand:

One day a man and his family went to see the circus. Durring the show a clown came out and started introducing all the animals.

He did this in a particular way such as when one animal came into the ring, he would ask all the kids in the audiance to scream out the name of the animal if they knew it.

First he brought out a lion and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A LION!!!" Came the screaming masses.

Then he brought out an elephant. Again he asked "What animal is this?"

"AN ELEPHANT" screamed the audiance.

The he brought out a monkey and asked the question again, "What animal is this?"

"A MONKEY!!!" roared the crowed.

Then he brought out a donkey. He asked the questions again "What kind of animal is thi..."

Before he was finished the man who had brought his family jumped up and said "ITS AN ASS!!!!"

The clown, not flintching retorted, "No, you are!"

The crowd erupted with laughter and the man was so embarrised that he gathered his family and belongings and left.

The man left, thinking to himself "I'm going to get that clown. I'm going to find out what the best comback of all time to that is and I'm going to get him infront of all those people!"

He went around to every comedian he could possibly see and ask. Even some of the greats as he would hang around the Tonight Show's set and ask those that appeared.

He asked some of the wisest men known. Profits, seers, even polling on the internet.

He did this for 5 years and finally the day came to produce what he had as that very same circus came back to his town sporting the very same show as 5 years ago.

He saw what he was looking for... The very same clown was there. And was doing the very same bit.

First came the lion. He asked the crowd " What kind of animal is this?"

"A LION!!!" They cheered!!

Then he brought out an elephant. Again he asked "What animal is this?"

"AN ELEPHANT" came the response.

The he brought out a monkey and asked the question again, "What animal is this?"

"A MONKEY!!!" roared the crowed.

Finally, the moment the man had been waiting for all these years...

Then he brought out a donkey. He asked the questions again "What kind of animal is thi..."

Before the Clown was able to finish the question, the man stood up and said...

"ITS AN ASS" Beamed the man

"No YOU ARE!!!" delighted the clown.

And do you know what the man said to this insult???
















.... Wait for it....




























..... its going to be good!!!! ....



























The man screamed at the top of his lungs....





























"FUCK YOU CLOWN!"
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Wed Dec 08, 2004 1:13 pm  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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WTF isn't this thread sticky?

Anyway:

Directions on "How to call the Police"

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Post Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:27 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Brules
M F C E O


Joined: 23 Mar 2003
Posts: 11074
Location: Konnichiwa, bitches.
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WTF isn't this thread sticky?


Fixt.

Smile
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K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

Post Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:31 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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thanks ;-D
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Post Mon Dec 20, 2004 5:33 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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good goawd I asked for that like 3 pages back.

Rolling Eyes


Guess I know who I have to fuck now to get something done around here.


Wink
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 12:09 am  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
Brules
M F C E O


Joined: 23 Mar 2003
Posts: 11074
Location: Konnichiwa, bitches.
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Shinare wrote: good goawd I asked for that like 3 pages back.

Rolling Eyes


Guess I know who I have to fuck now to get something done around here.


Wink


No, you just have to SHOW THE FUCK UP TO A LAN EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE!!!!!!!!

hehehehehehehehehehehe

Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
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K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 9:35 am  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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pfth

I'll be the first to sign up on the new roster once its ready. Smile
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 9:41 am  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
Despite
I am Chaotic Good Bitchy.


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 2957
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as you yourself have demonstrated, there is a difference between signing up and showing up.

ya punkass
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consume

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:29 am  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website ICQ Number
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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Well, I guess I should just give up on trying now.
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:32 am  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
Despite
I am Chaotic Good Bitchy.


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 2957
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that's the spirirt!
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consume

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:33 am  View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website ICQ Number
Brules
M F C E O


Joined: 23 Mar 2003
Posts: 11074
Location: Konnichiwa, bitches.
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Watch it Shinare, someone will step on that lip if you let it hang out like that. Smile
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K-SWISS Power cologne. Who knew you could bottle the scent of boner?

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 10:33 am  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Sevnn
Candy Cane King


Joined: 22 Mar 2003
Posts: 7711
Location: Kyrat
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Shinare wrote: pfth

I'll be the first to sign up on the new roster once its ready. Smile

No you won't...

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 12:36 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address ICQ Number
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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Sevnn wrote:
Shinare wrote: pfth

I'll be the first to sign up on the new roster once its ready. Smile

No you won't...


CHEATERS!!!
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Tue Dec 21, 2004 1:11 pm  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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ok so if you have sex before you date your a pre-dater and after you date a post-dater so if you dont have it at all i guess your a master-dater huh
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Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Post Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:16 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Shinare
SEXNOCULAR


Joined: 17 Mar 2004
Posts: 13332
Location: Up your butt with a coconut!!
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Better than being the best person on the debate team at school: The master-debater.
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For with what measure you measure it will be measured to you.

Post Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:27 pm  View user's profile Send private message ICQ Number
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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A guy at guthrie complained about that, and they started calling him the head-debater. Needless to say, the situation did not improve ;-D
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Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Post Wed Dec 22, 2004 4:55 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
J3ST3R
I'm NSFW


Joined: 20 Mar 2003
Posts: 6732
Location: White Forest
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[joke] Don't piss me off today, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. [/joke] Laughing

Post Wed Dec 22, 2004 5:49 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address
Souper Phly
Junkie


Joined: 05 Jan 2004
Posts: 672
Location: OKC
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
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The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Harlan Ellison

Post Sat Dec 25, 2004 5:08 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger ICQ Number
TehDanMan
Guerilla Ontologist


Joined: 01 Jul 2003
Posts: 13143
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I witnessed a great tragedy today.

I was driving along a road with a fairly large dropoff, when I began to slide out of control on some ice. I came to a stop in the on coming lane where a busload of lawyers was headed. When the bus attempted to stop they too began to slide out of control. To my great dispare, as I saw them fly off the edge, there were five empty seats.
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Blargle Flarg Bergah Merg

Post Wed Jan 12, 2005 3:43 pm  View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
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